Anyone who enters into marriage thinking things are going to be Even, 50/50, we-both-give-and-take, may be in for a big surprise. A person with this type of thinking may actually compliment himself/herself for having such progressive thinking in our selfish world, but unfortunately, in the daily grind of relationships, it’s just not enough.

There will always be times when one person takes a significant amount more than he or she gives. Sickness, raising children, disability, a heavy work schedule are common scenarios where imbalance occurs. Initially, efforts are typically made by each individual. After time, however, one person really begins to feel like s/he’s pulling more weight than s/he should. If that resentment isn’t dealt with, it can endanger the relationship.

How do you deal with it?

1. Communication is obvious– expressing how you feel during this difficult time is important so that the care-receiver knows what the care-giver is going through.
2. Taking time out. Go out and blow off some steam. Hang out with friends. Engage in a hobby. Do something that you enjoy and will take your mind off the challenges at home.
3. Adjust your expectations. The marriage vows include being together in health and “in sickness”. We love to think about the good times, when we’re young, healthy, vibrant, and carefree. Our media focuses primarily on those times. Yet marriage is also about growing old together and with that comes more and more visits to the doctor, body aches and pain, and medication. The sooner we start accepting this as a part of a relationship, the easier it will be accept this reality. And hopefully, the less focus each person will have on just how much s/he is giving.

I believe that most couples truly want their relationships to work out, even relationships which seems challenging from the get-go such as US/foreign couple relationships. 

Yet, these types of relationships can survive and thrive. Keeping a focus on serving and loving the other spouse, instead of stewing over how much I am giving, is a great way to keep the relationship on solid ground.

As a fiancee/spousal visa attorney since 1997, I work with many US/foreign couples. These musings are simply my observations about marriage and relationships. I am not a relationship expert. [1] Email me  or call me at 626-771-1078 if you need visa legal assistance.